Sunday is Mother's Day.  Here are The Top Things You'll Never Hear a Mom Say.

 

 

You don't need to send me flowers or chocolate for Mother's Day.  An awkward five-minute phone call is all I want from you.

 

 

Having natural birth with no painkillers was the best decision I ever made!

 

 

Didn't you just call me three days ago?  Geez, give me some space!

 

 

No, I don't need help setting up my new iPad.  I figured it out all by myself.

 

 

Well if YOU love her, that's good enough for me!

 

 

When I said I didn't want anything for Mother's Day, I meant it.

 

 

I have no issues with the way your spouse acts, thinks, dresses or raises my grandchildren.

 

 

Just because you're 42 and single doesn't make me wonder if you're gay.

 

 

You'll never catch me in ill-fitting jeans and running shoes.

 

 

With a little work, I hope one day to become an even better mom than Dina Lohan and Kris Jenner COMBINED.

 

 

Look, I know you're unsure if you and your girlfriend are meant to be together long-term.  But the best way to find out is to get her pregnant.

 


Jeans WITHOUT pleats?  Like I'd ever wear THOSE!

 

 

Grandchildren are overrated.  I'm much more proud of the fact my 40-year-old son has a really impressive collection of "Spider-Man" comic books.

 

 

Your father's busy.  Why don't you have a farting contest with ME?

 

 

Does my home have too much potpourri?

 

 

Sure, you can borrow the car.  But I just had it detailed, so do like your dad and I do, and put a tarp in the backseat before you go at it.

 

 

Of course I wasn't jealous of all the praise Kevin Durant heaped on his mother during his MVP ceremony.  This pre-made Hallmark card you forgot to sign is all the thanks I need.